Apr. 7th, 2010

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The last three weeks have been bad.

I got severely depressed, then was unusually high, then even more deeply depressed. After talking with Phineas, I decided to go into the ER and see if I could get some help. It was that bad. It turns out from a physical standpoint, I probably saved my life. Not because I would have done something to myself. I don't honestly think I would have. But because my blood pressure and blood sugar levels were dangerously high. Like head explodey or diabetic coma high. I had no inkling. I'd had few physical ailments, it was all mental.

So four days later I was released as a hypertensive bipolar diabetic. And let me just say right now, Thank you genetics! Apparently the diabetes is all up and down my maternal grandfathers side, the hypertension is all up and down the maternal grandmother side. Bipolar, well that comes in from both the maternal, and limited paternal information I have.

When recounting the maternal side of my medical history, I finally came to the conclusion that on my Grandma's side I can only think of two natural deaths that were not heart attach/stroke related. I can think of 20-30 family members death and causes, and well only two weren't in that family of causes if they were natural. Lemaster's do have a nasty habit of death by misadventure too. The Ringler's, well they don't go out quite as dramatically. But again, the ones I can recount mostly diabetes related. I guess I was on the path whether I wanted to be or not.

So I'm learning. The grocery store scares the crap out of me. I stare at packages like I am studying for the SATs or they will give me the secret to life. I eat waaay more salad than my body is truly comfortable with. At the least I'm regular. I measure like there's a gun to my head. And I learn to deal. I know it will get easier, but right now I cry, rail against it, scream, and throw fits. Then I deal. What choice do I have?

But it scares the ever loving bejesus out of me. I didn't do anything to deserve this, yeah some bad life habits, but other people have worse and come out fine. I think why me a lot. But then I think so many other people have it worse than me, and I feel bad for being self-absorbed and selfish. I shouldn't be so self-pitying, but some days it's hard. I will get past this, I just need to deal with it. And I will. As I said, what other choice do I really have?

It has only been a week or so I've been doing this all on my own, and it's already easier. Just deal one day at a time, and not berate myself if I slip up, and just do what's right for me.

I'm not sure if there's a point to all this, I guess it was to update to what has been going on and the new advents in my life.


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